Day 29 - Setbacks

AI generated podcast transcript:

Welcome back, everybody. This is The STIMPACK Podcast, 43 Days to Freedom series. This is day 29 plus. Maybe we'll go a little bit further. So, as you may recall, we left off with the morning of day 29. We escaped in the late evening in the early morning hours, and then we're recaptured and put back into a different cell. So, now we're in room two in the morning. I don't know, maybe 11 o'clock in the morning at this point. I remember it was overcast that morning.

Anyway, we get back into our cell, well, into this new one, room two.

You may recall that I actually started in room two.

I was there for like a half an hour or an hour the very first day with my security driver DJ and his buddy Reggie, my other guy, who I didn't really know.

And as soon as I got back into that room, as I mentioned before, it was all bizarrely quiet.

I think I expected a lot of rage from the guards, and it wasn't that.

They were very much all business, maybe a little bit cowering even, because it would appear as though they were all afraid for their own safety, or the impact of their failure.

So they let me escape, and someone else, a neighboring gang, recaptured me, and that makes all them look bad, because it's their job to keep us captive and keep us guarded.

So I feel like I'm seeing a little bit of that on their faces.

And so I get put back into room two, and not long after they close the door, DJ grabs me with a look of concern and walks me into the bathroom.

I think we close the door, and they're all very whispery in there.

And like I mentioned in the last episode, he quickly presumes that it was Stephanie's idea, and I was trying to protect her, blah, blah, blah.

And I tell him, no, that was not the case, that I was leading the escape, and it was my choice.

And he's certainly disappointed.

I think we get interrupted by Chef 2, a bad cop, who comes in and grabs me, and I think he takes some of my clothes at that point.

I think he takes my T-shirt and then my undershirt, and then walks me out of the room.

And I expected him to be a total rage monster at this point, because that's like his default character, but he's not doing it.

He's got that kind of cowering.

He's certainly all business.

He's not emotional.

He may be even a little fearful at that moment, looking back on it.

I didn't read it at that moment, but it certainly was unexpected that he was not in an absolute rage fit.

So he grabs, opens the door, grabs me, takes me back into room one, and I'm having a hard time understanding what he's wanting me to do, but eventually I figured, I thought that he was trying to get me to explain how we did it, how we got out the bars, and how we bent the bars, but he wasn't.

He was asking me to go out the bars again to demonstrate that that's how I got out or we got out, because they didn't believe that I could fit through those bars.

But it took me a second to figure that out.

I finally figured out, the room has been ransacked since we were in there maybe 12 hours earlier.

Everything's been flipped upside down, and I could hardly recognize the room anymore.

The sheet that used to be over the window is gone, and then I look out that window, and there's got to be 20 or 30 people standing outside the window, maybe 15 feet.

Some are right there at the same level as the window, and some are down below, on the other side or below the retaining wall.

And then there's an SUV parked out there that I don't recognize with the window down, but it's dark inside, and the person who matters is on the passenger side.

It's not driving that vehicle or riding in that vehicle.

I don't know who's in there, but clearly some sort of big shot.

I realized I'm supposed to go out, and so I quickly comply and do the same thing I did before.

I turned my back to the bars and shook my head through and then my arms.

And then a bad cop who's now on the outside of the building is like, wait, wait, wait.

Like, you went too fast.

He was supposed to film it for someone.

I don't know whom.

And he's like, go back in.

And I can't go back in.

Doesn't go that way because like your skin gets caught on the bars.

So I can't go backwards.

I was like, yeah, I can go back around.

You want me to go back around?

He's like, no, forget it.

So he just kind of half filmed me doing it.

And so I get back down, I lower myself down, and then they walk me back into the room.

And the funny part was once I came out of the bars, I heard the crowd kind of gasp.

Like I heard some people say, it's true.

Like it's real.

Like he really did get out through those bars for whatever reason, they doubted that I could fit.

Well, they all saw me do it.

And then I get walked back into room two.

Shortly thereafter, somebody comes, and I might have been down to my box or briefs, and we kind of remember the embarrassment of that in front of all those people.

But anyway, I get put back in that room, and I'm told to lay down and not move, or they're gonna shoot me.

I forget it was on my belly or my back, but anyway, I have to lay down.

That's my default position now, which is of course not fun.

At some point, DJ comes over and says, hey, you know you're gonna get beaten.

And I of course said, yeah, I know, I know it's coming.

And at that point, I was just hoping that it would only be me.

My biggest fear at this point is that there's gonna be, what do you call it?

Group punishment, right?

That everyone here is gonna get punished for what I did or what I pushed.

Certainly fearful that Stephanie is going to get as much as I'm gonna get, but I do my best to try to pull that just on me in my conversations with the guards.

I remember saying that to Chef Rasta at one point, and he actually looked relieved when I told him that, right?

And latches on to that.

And I forget who he went and told that to.

I think there was a guard there, just kind of with him that he told that to.

But at some point, I remember him sharing that and that mattering, which was good.

They come in and they threaten that no one is allowed to look out the window.

It was already really dark in there.

They have a really thick curtain in that room and it was not moved like it was on our side.

It was like that the first day that I went in there and it was still like that, but nobody moved their curtain like we did.

It was dark.

Anyway, they were reminded that nobody should get close to that window and don't need to look out that window.

And then we had, I don't know, a lot of soldiers just come form in the room.

Everyone except for Bad Cop.

Bad Cop doesn't come in.

It's Chef Rasta and everyone else who I've ever seen since I've been there.

I glance and see them coming in and I know what's happening and they've got all kinds of stuff in their hands.

And it started.

And I had backed myself up for it.

And you can do that.

I mean, I'm a physical guy.

I played lots of football growing up and was a boxer in the army, did lots of handing in combat.

I'm familiar with this kind of violence experience and it's fine.

I was not fearful of being beaten, if that makes any sense.

I really wasn't.

I mean, it's nothing we look forward to and it would have been nice for me to be able to fight back and all those things, not trying to sound like a tough guy that I was excited for some violence.

I wasn't, but I wasn't terrified either.

And they came in with these cables that I hadn't seen before.

And so they, I'm over on my chest and hogtied with these cords.

And I was expecting that, but I was ready to be tied up.

What I wasn't ready for was whoever was tying me up knew exactly what they were doing.

They looped these cords just perfectly so that my wrists and my ankles, so my ankles were wrapped or bound, and then my wrists were bound, but they wrapped the cables, it's hard to explain, to each other so that my body would kind of curl backwards so that my feet and my hands would pull together.

But the way they did that was by wrapping the cords through my fingers this way.

So it's hard to explain.

So if my hands are behind my back, the cords are pulling my hands this way, so they're already strapped together, and now the cords are just pulling like they're gonna slice through my hands.

And then that is somehow connected to my ankles, and I can feel him doing that.

Like I can feel the cords go in, I'm trying to get my hands out of that, right?

I realize the tension and where it's coming from, I'm trying to wriggle out of it.

And he spots me doing that, and he's just kind of going faster to battle me a little bit.

And just as I think I'm gonna get free of that, he sticks his foot in my back and cranks the whole thing.

And just the whole thing comes under tension, and I'm stuck, right?

And that all of those cables start gouging into my hands and just wrecking the nerves.

And I really thought that the cords were going right through my skin.

It was that much tension.

And when that happened, something flipped in my brain.

I was ready for the beating.

In fact, if you think about why this beating was going down at all, it's a punishment, right?

It was a punishment for my escape and a deterrent for future escape and a deterrent to the other captives.

And if that's the case, the way that I get out the most successfully is by giving these beaters what they want.

And what they want is to feel like they've beaten me, right?

And that the torture was successful as a deterrent.

And the best way I can do that is by reacting, right?

If I play tough guy and fight back or act like it doesn't hurt, which is an extremely tempting thing to do, right?

Is not give them what they're looking for.

But if I want out of this with all my limbs and I want to protect my eyes and nose and ears and teeth, I need to look like I'm in pain.

I need to give it to them.

So I'm ready to, I've thought of some phrases, you know, a say and cryo that might engender some sympathy.

You know, I know how to say, help me, or you don't need to do that, or, you know, I forget what else I said, but a handful of, I was talking, right, and yelling, right?

It was, I mean, it really did hurt, so it's an easy sell.

But I felt like I was in control until those cords were around my hands.

And I thought I was, they were just destroying my hands.

You know, I was going to lose my fingers, and that something flipped, and I was terrified.

You know, that was instant panic.

And I was out of control from that point.

And I don't know how long that lasted, but it was a long time.

You know, I still feel the nerve damage now.

It's been over a year.

It was a bad couple of moments.

I was doing my best to protect myself and protect my eyes and keep my shoulders up high and all the things that you learn.

Hand in hand combat training, but it doesn't work very well when you're hogtied.

And eventually, it started to die down.

I remember at some point being absolutely thrilled when the cord actually broke.

And I all of a sudden felt the tension release on my hands, and my back kind of straightened out, and they didn't retie it.

They just kept doing what they were doing.

Everybody was getting their kicks in, and then it started to die down.

I remember the last big kick was from this scumbag I called Hady Hat.

It was the most diabolical dude in there.

He was absolutely enjoying himself.

And then I remember Chef Rasta called it off and said, that's enough.

They went over to Stephanie, and I was thrilled when Chef Rasta said, no, we're not going to do that.

And he waved them off.

And that was great.

That part was great.

My worst fears were assuaged.

And then they were gone.

And I got to breathe, and everybody asked if I was okay.

I said, yeah.

I think I put on my tough guy face after that to counter some of my, I don't know if you'll call it acting, but overreacting that I was giving to the guards to I guess somehow save some dignity.

And then some time passes, and maybe once an hour or someone would come in.

I was seated right by the door because that was the most vulnerable spot, that they could have quick access to me.

So people would come in and harass or beat me somehow, take their licks if they weren't in the melee from before.

It was a rough day.

And then the climax worst part of that day was in the evening.

I remember it was dark, and Chef, so bad cop Chef 2 walks in and with his signature pistol, and he's his normal rage monster.

And I'm scared to death at this point because I don't know what he's capable of doing.

I've seen terrible things from this guy and he clearly was in trouble because of his failure to keep me incarcerated.

And he's clearly been in trouble, and he's ready to take it out on me now.

And so he comes in with his pistol.

It's off safety.

The safety on the pistol is off, and so he can fire that thing at any second.

And these guys are trigger happy.

My rational self does not believe that he's authorized to kill me.

At least the last 28 days, I would not have believed he was authorized to kill me.

But who knows now, right?

I know that I've gotten a lot of attention from the higher ups, and escape is bad.

And maybe now they want to be heroes and celebrities by killing an American.

You never know.

And with that safety off, all bets are off.

And so, you know, he's pointing that weapon everywhere, from my face to my kneecaps to my hands to my feet, and he's screaming, and he wants me to pay the 100k.

And, you know, I start by saying, you know, how am I supposed to get it?

You know, and his intensity, of course, just escalates to the point where I say, okay, yeah, I'll get it for you.

You know, I'm just trying to get him off my back and get him to calm down and live to fight another day.

And, you know, he gets his licks in.

I remember he was also pistol whipping Stephanie as well.

Okay, I was...

Anyway, it's bad news.

He finally leaves, and I see him turn the safety back on on this pistol, and I breathe a sigh of relief, and he walks out of the room.

That was day 29.

It was a doozy.

I spent the rest of the night just devastated.

I don't want to say that I was hopeless at that point, but I was pretty close.

I definitely knew that my clock had in many ways restarted, and that I was not close to going home.

And that's a tough thing to deal with.

And my relatively easy living standards in Room 1 had now dramatically reduced to the terrible living standards I was now enduring these regular beatings, and I didn't know when those were going to stop.

I was in this terrible dark room with no bed, sleeping on the concrete, and I didn't have any clothes anymore.

Just one thing after another.

It was not better.

It was significantly worse, and I came with a restart button on my timeline.

That was Day 29.

I'm going to take a breath there.

I think that's going to do it for today.

Sorry for the heavy.

I promise we're close.

It's only 43 days of freedom.

So we'll definitely have some better days.

It doesn't get worse, I don't think.

Well, maybe it does.

Thank you guys for sticking it out.

I know it's been a heavy couple of episodes.

Hats off to you guys.

You're my people.

I appreciate you doing that.

I hope you've put the time in to listen to this, and you've put the time in to really put yourself in my shoes of somebody who's going through torture and terror and beatings.

And I want that to be for something.

And I'm hoping that you can each...

I'm worried that your empathetic energy is going to become fury toward the gangs.

And that's fine, and that's appropriate, but I would far prefer your emotional energy go to loving the people that these gangs terrorize.

And empathize with them.

So I can emotionally be the surrogate for them, right?

And certainly Stephanie and my other captives can be surrogates for the Haitians that are held in captivity every day.

But that's where I want your heart to turn.

That's the point of this story, is that you can understand that I was terrorized and tortured for but a small moment.

And just yards outside my window, those people are still there.

A year later, they're still there under the rule of these horrific, now internationally funded gangs.

And that's where I want your heart to go, right?

Is to them.

And they are currently being terrorized and beaten and raped and everything you can imagine and kept in the most oppressive environment where they have immense trouble just functioning and getting food and water and medical care and going to school and protecting their children and going to church.

They don't get to do any of these things.

And that's every day.

That is their life.

That is their current reality that they cannot escape.

And I don't want your sympathy except for that reason.

I want your heart.

And I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to turn your heart to them.

I wish I had a bunch of names and stories of theirs that I could tell you to get your heart to break for them and therefore act.

And don't worry, this podcast is headed toward a list of calls to action.

You are going to get some go and dos.

Fear not.

That's a coming once we finish this story.

But that's where I hope that you'll help me get you there.

That you'll do the emotional work in directing your emotional energy toward that end, because these people need every bit of help that we can give them.

So thank you again for taking the time.

We'll be back soon.

I also have a special episode I recorded yesterday.

There was a little bit of bugs with the episode and the technology on the Riverside FM that I record with.

I was trying to post that yesterday.

But special bonus episode, I did an interview with Stephanie.

And so I'll post that also probably right after this one once we get the tech figured out.

Anyway, she's awesome and was very brave and willing to do the interview.

So anyway, I hope you'll enjoy that.

She's amazing.

And don't worry, I'm still trying to get others on, especially my wife.

But we've been super busy.

So thanks for your patience.

She'll definitely be back at some point.

Thanks.

I love you guys.

Thanks for your time.

Talk to you soon.